Rock

5 Great Albums With Disgusting First Tracks

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Writers crave eyeballs. Without them we wither.

A reliable means of getting the eyeballs we need to survive is through making you hate us. And one way of doing this is through writing listicles with titles that are sure to make you scream at the sheer enormity.

Listicles are the mutated offspring of an unethical breeding experiment between lists and articles. An article in list form, or a list in article form; a listicle has its mothers i’s and its fathers t’s.

The titles we give our listicles do not necessarily reflect our true thoughts. A lot of the time, they’re not even fair representations of the contents of the listicle. They’re traps.

It works. You are not immune to these tricks. Nobody is.

A few weeks ago I read a piece, which I shan’t link to, promising to list a number of first person shooter games that are now “literally unplayable”. This list included Duke Nukem 3D, which seemed perfectly playable when I last careered through it around nine months ago. Indeed, it was more than merely playable. It was downright enjoyable. Then I realised: I’d fallen victim, once again, to the listicle writer’s tricks.

Promise outrage, then deliver.

But we’re not all bad. Sometimes we’ll give you the opportunity to feel better than us. We’ll promise a list of “forgotten” books, films, or albums; or we’ll proclaim that we’re listing a series of books, films, or albums that you’ve never heard of. If you are at all familiar with any of the items we list – and you will be, by design – then you’ll think of us as presumptive buffoons. You will shake your head, and perhaps even chuckle a bit, at our hubris. It’s our gift to you, that chance to demonstrate your superiority. It’s the least we can do. After all, you gave us your eyeballs.

So, regarding the title of this piece. This listicle. With one very important exception, I don’t actually find any of the music I’m about to discuss “disgusting”. These are albums I like a lot which I feel get off to a bit of a shaky start. Sometimes it’s the first track, sometimes it’s just the first few seconds of the first track. That’s it. That’s all we’re discussing here today.

I’m sorry if you feel misled. It’s just that I am starving for eyeballs, and I knew I’d have less chance of bagging those tasty orbs had I given this piece a more honest title: “X albums that don’t start off too good”. It just wouldn’t have the same allure.

I’m sorry we got off on the wrong foot, there. Would it help if we started with the album opening that actually does disgust me? OK.

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What Do The Trees Think of Enya?

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Welcome back to NAGCHAMPA. That stands for New Age Grammy Challenge: Healing Assessments of Musicians Perceived as Awful.

We’re listening to every album that was ever awarded, or nominated for, the Grammy Award for Best New Age, Ambient, or Chant Album.

We’ve reached 1997, when the award went to Enya for her fourth studio album, The Memory of Trees. Between 1993 and 2007, every time Enya released an album, this award was a given. No other New Age artist stood a chance if there was an Enya album in the running. This spell would be broken in 2017, when her Dark Sky Island album lost out to the second album by White Sun. Oh, and her 2008 Christmas album wasn’t even nominated. Maybe festive albums aren’t eligible for this gong.

Anyway, for the time being, if Enya’s in town, every other New Age musician may as well stay at home. This is her game.

But did she deserve to win five New Age Grammy awards, effectively trivialising any work produced by any other artist any year she happened to win an album?

Yes. Of course she did.

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George Winston Sees The Wood For The Trees

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In 1996, Christmas came early for George Winston when he took home the Grammy Award for Best New Age Album.

This is NAGCHAMPA. That’s the New Age Grammy Challenge: Healing Assessments of Musicians Perceived as Awful. I’m listening to every album that ever won, or that was ever nominated for, the Grammy Award for best New Age, Ambient, or Chant album. Originally, I was doing this because I wanted to better understand just what this whole New Age thing is all about. Now I’m doing it because I really enjoy New Age music.

George Otis Winston III, who passed away in 2023, was no stranger to the Grammy Awards. As well as triumphing in the New Age category in 1996, he got a nomination for Best Children’s Music Album (for a collaboration with Meryl Streep!), and one for Best Contemporary Instrumental Album, for a collection of Doors songs reconsidered for solo piano. He looks just like Rufus from Bill & Ted in his Spotify profile picture.

Despite winning the 1996 Grammy Award for Best New Age Album, and despite initially finding success on Windham Hill, George was one of those artists who dismissed the “New Age” label. So how would George have described his music?

George claimed that he always played in one of three styles: A New Orleans R&B kind of thing; a Fats Walleresque “stride piano”; and a melodic style of his own which he described as “rural folk piano”. He dabbles in all three styles throughout Forest, the album which won him his Grammy. But he mostly seems to stick to that “rural folk” sound. And what an evocative and affecting sound it is. Apparently, George first became interested in playing the piano having heard Vince Guaraldi’s soundtrack for A Charlie Brown Christmas. It shows; not just in his uplifting lyrical style, but also in just how Christmassy much of his work seems to be.

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2025: The State That I Am In

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This is a list of 10 terrific albums from 2025.

I make lists like this every year, and I finally understand why: It gives me the impetus to seek out new music throughout the year, rather than to just listen to stuff from decades ago. Because that’s the sort of thing I’d do, otherwise. This year’s Spotify Wrapped thing told me that my musical age is 70. The cheek!

But also, this year I found a good reason to write about music. To quote Ted Gioia:

“Music writers have a greater responsibility to write positive music reviews about outstanding works than negative hit pieces on bad music. The bad music will go away on its own. But good (and even great) artists often need a helping hand if their work is to survive.”

This is why, as per, I’ll be focusing on stuff that’s unlikely to get featured in many other end-of-year roundups. Because if I don’t who will?

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The Desert Needs a Beer

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What’s my age again?

There’s a game some people like to play whenever Coachella unveils the lineup of that year’s festival. You can work out your “musical age” by subtracting from 80 the number of names you recognise on the poster.

Based on the 2025 poster, my musical age is 46. But if I were to calculate it based on the number of acts I’d be interested in watching… hmm!

See for yourself:

The higher your “musical age”, the more you might relate to what follows.

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The Winter Man Cometh

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I’ve decided to revive the NAGCHAMPA project.

Reminder: NAGCHAMPA = New Age Grammy Challenge: Healing Assessments of Musicians Perceived as Awful.

Following my foolhardy metal quest, I feel like I need some quiet and visionary music as badly as I sometimes need a cup of tea and a flapjack.

It’s been five years. But if you remember, I’m studying every album that ever won the Grammy Award for Best New Age Album, in an attempt to understand what makes New Age Music so New Age. The closest I came to a definition was this: New Age Music is applied ambient music. Or, it’s spiritual ambience. It’s music that aims to make you feel better, and succeeds.

But while my back was turned, the Grammy guys broadened the scope of this awards. Since 2023, the category has been “Best New Age, Ambient, or Chant Album”.

“Ambient” I get, but “chant”? Will there be chanting? Was there always chanting?

I swear, I had no idea that the 2025 Grammy Awards were taking place as I wrote this thing. The BBC didn’t even include the New Age category in their roundup of the winners. It looks like it went to Wouter Kellerman, Eru Matsumoto, and Chandrika Tandon’s Triveni. A worthy winner? We’ll see, when I finally get to 2025 in this project, some 16 years from now.

Because we’ve only just made it to 1994 here, and it’s Paul Winter’s time to shine.

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You’re Testing My Mettle, Man

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The Monsters of Rock lay down their arms as a rabid dog approached the battlefield looking for a pat on the head. The Download Festival was born.

Why “Download”? Because at the time, people thought that downloading was killing music. So to label a music festival against such a force of evil was a daring move, presumably. Because that’s what metal’s all about: SHOCK. But it raises the question: If the Download Festival were started in 2023 rather than 2003, would they have called it the Streaming Festival?

I’ve only been once, and even then I only went for one day. It was 2019, and the opportunity to see Tool and Smashing Pumpkins on the same day was too good to miss. It was a beautiful day. Everyone was friendly, and everyone was there for the music. I saw more devil horns than smartphones held aloft, and the bars had the Iron Maiden Trooper ale on tap.

Also, Download has a mascot: The Download Dog. He started life looking like an unfortunate victim of experiments in canine ESP. Over the years, he’s also appeared as a sort of FrankenDog, as a snarling pink puppy, and as a skeleton. When he makes public appearances, though, he’s a giant red naked bodybuilder with studded bracelets who, despite his leer and his bulging muscles, looks to be quite cuddly.

All festivals should have a mascot. The Glastonbury Wizard. The Reading Bookworm. The Latitude Accountant. In fact, every business and brand in the land should have a mascot. They help, in a way.

So I’m down with The Download Festival. And that’s why I decided to listen to every band and artist that ever played Download Festival. What else am I going to do with my Spotify subscription?

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Reading Before The Fall

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What Happened to The Reading and Leeds Festivals?

Every year, as the August Bank Holiday weekend approaches, the Shiiine On Festival shares an old Reading & Leeds lineup to their Instagram.

Something like this:

You can imagine the comments. Some just offer a single word. “Classic,” or similar. Some share fond memories. This is often something along the lines of, “I can’t remember much but I’m told I had a good time”. They were drunk, you see.

But others say something along the lines of “what happened?”

And you get similar comments whenever Reading and Leeds post lineup updates to their own social media profiles. “What happened?”

What happened, indeed?

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Neck Deep at ATP

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All Tomorrow’s Parties (ATP) was a series of festivals held between 1999 and 2016.

These festivals were remarkable for a number of reasons. First, their lineups were almost entirely hand-picked by a guest curator, who was usually a musician. Second, many of the festivals took place in the most refined environments possible – Butlin’s holiday camps! Yes, this means that for one glorious evening it was possible to see Patti Smith play on a stage usually used for knobbly knees contests.

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DVD Review – Snow Patrol Live at Somerset House

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Before things got quite so bad as they are now, bands used to put DVDs out.

Mostly these would feature a recording of a live performance. But sometimes they were collections of music videos, or even specially-made “behind the music” documentaries. The best music DVDs contained a combination of the above.

Each DVD is a time capsule of an era that was very similar to our own, but also profoundly different. This is the era just before the mass adoption of smartphones, and before social media made everyone and everything significantly worse.

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