I’m writing for an exciting new website called FCK LDN!

I’d like to pretend that it’s a community dedicated to lambasting Lily Allen’s horrible breakthrough single, but it’s not. Rather, it’s a site that sets out to highlight that there’s more to the UK than London; that our bustling capital receives an unfair proportion of arts funding and attention.

“FCK LDN is a new online magazine; a magazine that will do to London what every other magazine does to the rest of the UK.

It will pretend that it does not exist…”

I’m sure they won’t mind me printing their manifesto, so here it is, in full:

In October 2013 an independently produced report titled Rebalancing Our Cultural Capital found that the UK government spent £20 per head on the arts in London versus £3.60 in the rest of the country.

In the same period the Department of Culture, Media and Sport handed over £450m to “major cultural institutions”. £49 per head of that money went to London. The rest of the country got £1 per head – despite the department describing the distribution of funds as “national”.

In the same period the Department of Culture, Media and Sport handed over £450m to “major cultural institutions”. £49 per head of that money went to London. The rest of the country got £1 per head – despite the department describing the distribution of funds as “national”.

A “trickle down” effect. It evokes a vision of the rest of the country sitting at its master’s feet like a dog, waiting for gravy drips from a plate.

And yet, somehow, we still manage to produce the UK’s best music, fashion and art here in what people from London call “the provinces”.

At FCK LDN we are tired of the perception that the rest of the country should be happy with London’s run off. We are angry that the rich products of our cultural industry are consistently missed by a spotlight trained on a single location that is home to a small fraction of our total population. Most of all, we are fed up with the media collaboration that perpetuates this cultural apartheid.

And because of this we are ready to say:

FCK LDN.

And that, right there, is probably the single best bit of writing that will ever appear on this gloomy blog. Soak it up.

It’s the work of a dear old friend of mine. Karl. He’s called Karl. He was once working on a novel called Little Steppes, about a quaint utopian community.

I hope he’s still at it.