Writers crave eyeballs. Without them we wither.
A reliable means of getting the eyeballs we need to survive is through making you hate us. And one way of doing this is through writing listicles with titles that are sure to make you scream at the sheer enormity.
Listicles are the mutated offspring of an unethical breeding experiment between lists and articles. An article in list form, or a list in article form; a listicle has its mothers i’s and its fathers t’s.
The titles we give our listicles do not necessarily reflect our true thoughts. A lot of the time, they’re not even fair representations of the contents of the listicle. They’re traps.
It works. You are not immune to these tricks. Nobody is.
A few weeks ago I read a piece, which I shan’t link to, promising to list a number of first person shooter games that are now “literally unplayable”. This list included Duke Nukem 3D, which seemed perfectly playable when I last careered through it around nine months ago. Indeed, it was more than merely playable. It was downright enjoyable. Then I realised: I’d fallen victim, once again, to the listicle writer’s tricks.
Promise outrage, then deliver.
But we’re not all bad. Sometimes we’ll give you the opportunity to feel better than us. We’ll promise a list of “forgotten” books, films, or albums; or we’ll proclaim that we’re listing a series of books, films, or albums that you’ve never heard of. If you are at all familiar with any of the items we list – and you will be, by design – then you’ll think of us as presumptive buffoons. You will shake your head, and perhaps even chuckle a bit, at our hubris. It’s our gift to you, that chance to demonstrate your superiority. It’s the least we can do. After all, you gave us your eyeballs.
So, regarding the title of this piece. This listicle. With one very important exception, I don’t actually find any of the music I’m about to discuss “disgusting”. These are albums I like a lot which I feel get off to a bit of a shaky start. Sometimes it’s the first track, sometimes it’s just the first few seconds of the first track. That’s it. That’s all we’re discussing here today.
I’m sorry if you feel misled. It’s just that I am starving for eyeballs, and I knew I’d have less chance of bagging those tasty orbs had I given this piece a more honest title: “X albums that don’t start off too good”. It just wouldn’t have the same allure.
I’m sorry we got off on the wrong foot, there. Would it help if we started with the album opening that actually does disgust me? OK.
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