Between 2007 and 2023, I went to the Glastonbury Festival 10 times.

They were truly some of the best days I’ve ever known, and there was a time when I knew that I’d be going to this festival for the rest of my life.

But now it’s more expensive than ever, and it’s getting harder and harder to get tickets. I’m finding less to love on the lineups each year. The site’s getting too big, and large parts of it feel grimly nihilistic, or even outright hostile. I used to think the festival represented humanity at its best. But now I don’t know if I’d even feel welcome there anymore.

Will I ever go again? Who knows. But in any case, I’m immensely grateful for the multitude of life affirming experiences I had there over the course of 16 years. As I attended repeatedly in my formative years, it’s fair to say that the festival’s played a part in making me whatever I am today.

Today I’m ranking every Glastonbury headliner I ever saw in order, from least appealing to most overwhelming. We’re sticking to the Pyramid Stage because, when a Pyramid headliner delivers the goods, it really does feel spiritual. Also, if I delved into the numerous other acts I’ve seen headlining other stages at the festival, we’d be here all day.

Note: When I’ve seen a band play this slot more than once, I shall combine both performances into a single entry. Otherwise we’re just splitting hairs, aren’t we?

Right. Here we go.

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Riot Fest – a punk shindig so alluring that even boring Pink Floyd fans like me yearn to go!

There’s a reason why every festival lineup looks essentially the same these days.

It’s because most festivals are booked by the same handful of promoters.

In America, Live Nation and AEG seem to run the show. The latter controls Coachella, which is presumably why the organisers now obsess over social media metrics when compiling their lineups. Why make memories when you can make money?

Once such titanic promoters get involved, your beloved festival will quickly start to look and feel different. At first, the bland lineups will simply leave you feeling alienated and dispirited. But eventually it will feel like they’re sending a clear message: That you are not invited, and that you are certainly not welcome. Dare to attend and you will feel like an interloping pervert among the influencers, an unsightly human stain lurking in the background of their perfect selfies.

But some festivals manage to retain their independence. And when they retain their independence, they retain their dignity and identity. They still feel like something or somewhere, rather than just another fatberg glistening in a turgid river of grey sludge.

Yes, I am getting old.

Chicago’s Riot Fest is such an independent festival. Every year my brother and I send pictures of the lineup to each other, usually accompanied with such words as “Jesus Christ” or “for God’s sake”. It always looks good, you see. They always manage to put something special together.

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